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Don't Poke The Penguin

February 2009

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Feb. 13th, 2009

Don't Poke The Penguin

It's Been Ages Again..

mood: restless
Holy hell it's been awhile since I've been on here...shows how much I've been around..

Valentine's Day...oh how bittersweet..

It's my one year anniversary with Tom...I'm engaged and getting married in a few weeks...but due to the situation I can't be completely happy. All I want is to cuddle on such a day and I can't have that...*sighs* the joys of the life I've chosen for myself.

I mean damn..I even have two men madly in love with me and it's STILL gonna suck XD ironyplz


Oh well

--------

In other news and rantings...I don't get how people can spend their whole life just without ever stopping to ponder how someone elses is... Especially when you see people in the media...celebrities...criminals...anyone. We just eat up whatever the media feeds us about them and take it as face value and never once stop to wonder what's REALLY going on..how would that person be if you met them on the street? We're far too hasty to judge others I find...makes me sad in a way. Especially with so many people judging me...judging my fiance...my family..my friends...

People never know and never care to know...

I know that the life I'm going to be leading the second I get married isn't going to be the easiest one..there's going to be many hardships to face...but I see them..I know them. Many people get into a relationship and don't know what lies ahead and quite often it turns out worse than my situation. I know the battles I'm going to be fighting, I know how they have to be fought. I know I'm going to take heat but it's all worth it for the man I love.

Call me crazy...call me blind...call me young an stupid I don't care...I don't care because if you call me these things then you obviously haven't taken 5 minutes to even listen...So I pity you, not myself.

I dunno...I think I'm trying to convince myself.that I'm not crazy.

I'm so disgusted...

---------

Other other news...I moved to Texas from Pittsburgh...pretty nice down here. I'm liking it. It's different bur not bad.





Whatever happened to the good ol days?




They're long gone...life can never be the same ever again....

Posted at 10:46 pm | | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Jun. 28th, 2008

Don't Poke The Penguin

>_> Update much? <_<

location: Sister's House
mood: crazy
music: Emilie Autumn - Shalott
Hmm...so whats new..it's been awhile now...

Let's see...things at home have gone to shit :B

Gotta love sitting around and then one day having all of your utilities being shut off...so here I sit at my sister's house. At least I'm having fun!

I've gotten myself addicted to Phantasy Star Universe, thats funness..

I've not talked to my Tom in what feels like ages..I hope he can call me soon, I miss him a bunch.

Other than a bunch of depressing stuff not much is new. I'll probably be spending more time over at Napalm Riot and less time on Deviantart...I'm just not feeling like the social butterfly that I normally am on dA. Not much wanting to deal with the stress of the things I do.

ohh! Ohh! My 18th birthday is July 19th so I'm excited about that, though I'm not gonna get too much.

Considering all thats going on I'm actually not feeling too bad..I'm slightly annoyed by the lack of skype and the lack of my artwork here...but hey...I'd much rather be here than at home sitting in the dark kthx.

:D don't you just love how I pretend someone reads this?

Someday soon I'll have a REAL update I hope!

Posted at 01:23 pm | | Leave a comment | 1 comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Feb. 9th, 2008

Don't Poke The Penguin

Feeling a little broken...

mood: distressed
music: Emilie Autumn - Swallow
Words never spoken
About any situation
Too damn afraid to speak
Can't get a simple response

A flared temper
Broken furniture
Patience worn thin
Only if you knew

Love was just a word with nothing felt
In these times that one heard it spoken
From day one 'til...you learn
Or it was beaten into you

No matter, you learn

Everything relearned for a new life
The one after the death of childhood
No time to adjust
Drunken fights and rages of these cruel beatings
Misused mother of three
Kneeling down on her knees
Progressing away from an expression of the soul
Hidden writings of an abused child
Untouched words breed a scar
A diary of an innocent mind
Decipher these words, a mixed paraphrase catastrophe

This meaning mismatched
The feeling of rejection
A world held together by no moral regrets
Rehealing already healed words
Wanting an inner peace
Can't understand this injustice of a small child's release
All that you know
Do only as your told
Growing up an abused child, loveless soul

---

So I woke up today not feeling too great, not sure why. I was anxious and irritable, nothing all too new I suppose....

In some ways it seems like everything is going right, and in other ways it feels like I'm spiralling down into an endless pit of disaster and decay....it's unsettling to say the least.

I think that I think too much for my own good. I think that I'm a mess and that I really need to find a way to fix myself...

I also think that it's time to realize who I really am so that I can one day hope to love myself again....did I ever love myself though?

Everything seems so long ago, yet like it was yesterday at the same time. Things surfacing again that I once lost inside myself, both good and bad. Bad memories seem to be plagueing me more and more these past few months, I hate it.

I want to be happy, I want to love and be loved....I want to sing and dance and laugh again like I once did when I was blissfully unaware of what life was going to vomit into my face. Sure I wasn't really happy back then either, but I didn't exactly realize it at the time. I want to smile and not have it be fake, I want to love and not feel an inner sorrow at knowing that it will one day end tragically. I want to laugh and not have it feel hollow, and love like I've never been hurt....

I want to be ME again...

I'm tired of being this monster that has infested my soul and taken over like a virus before I ever even knew it was there. I look into the mirror and I see a disaster. I see a snarling face staring back at me, lashing out...and then I wonder if thats what everyone else sees....

Do people see me as the beast that rages inside of me, or do I manage to suppress it enough that it goes unnoticed?

I bet he was like me once...before he lost his soul completely to the beast...my father that is...

Will I one day lose myself too?

Will I hurt my family and friends and completely drive everyone away? Will I make my children hate me? Will I scar another person for the rest of their life so that they can repeat the same pattern? Will I lose myself too?

Will I end up alone and miserable because I couldn't tame the beast? Will I haunt someones memories....will I make someone wish they were dead?

Oh god I sure hope not...

I pray to the gods to let me die before I ever do that....




Don't let me lose myself.....don't let the beast devour me....

I don't want to be like him....

Posted at 01:10 am | | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Feb. 8th, 2008

Don't Poke The Penguin

Pondering...

mood: pensive
music: Chrono Cross - Scars of Time
In order to survive, all living things in this world fight desperately and devour those they defeat... Must one kill other living things in order to survive? Must one destroy another world in order to allow one's own world to continue? The wounded in turn wound and torment those weaker than they themselves are... There are only the killers and the killed... The sinners who are judged, and the victims that do the judging. What meaning is there to such a world?

~Chrono Cross, Dragon God/Time Devourer

Posted at 08:59 am | | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Feb. 7th, 2008

Don't Poke The Penguin

New Times, New Journal

location: My Room
mood: contemplative
music: Inu Yasha - My Will (instrumental)
Ahh, yet again I've switched journals, I'm on my third now. So much has happened and changed that I didn't quite feel comfortable enough to be open on my old ones anymore.

I'm gonna have to set up my icons and stuffs soon so that I look less like a n00b.....

Hrm...since this is public I'm not gonna post much more...

But yeah...I'm here, I'm alive...much moreso lately than I have been.

Thus we go into friends only mode *waves bye*

Posted at 11:22 pm | | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

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